


It's You I Can't Replace

by PatsysPyjamas



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: AU, Amnesia, Angst, Clexa, Dating, F/F, Family, Former FBI Agent Woods, Gentle Kissing, Loss, Love, Memory Loss, Pining, Protective Clarke Griffin, Slow Burn-ish, finding yourself, rebuilding your life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2019-05-21 01:22:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14905805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PatsysPyjamas/pseuds/PatsysPyjamas
Summary: ...It had been four years since Lexa's supposed death, and Clarke still refused to believe that she was gone.Clarke felt it right down to her very bones. In her every breath that Lexa was somehow still alive. That the love of her life had not perished in that fire like the FBI had claimed. Her heart would know. Clarke was certain that her wife was out there somewhere, and she had made it her life's mission to find out the truth.





	1. Happy anniversary

**Author's Note:**

> This story is centered around Clarke & Lexa finding each other again, and how they have to deal with the changes it brings. Because in my mind they will always find one another. Enjoy...

 

**It's You I Can't Replace**

 

  
"Happy anniversary, my love."

Clarke whispered softly to the photo frame she held tightly. Her fingertips lovingly traced the outline of her wife's beautiful face. The tears she knew she couldn't repress fell seconds later. It had been four years since Lexa's supposed death, and Clarke still refused to believe that she was gone.

People had expressed their sympathies. Consoled her with words of what an honorable woman Agent Lexa Woods was - giving her life while in the line of duty, that Agent Woods had died a hero. A statement meant to offer comfort for the poor grieving widow left behind. It only fueled Clarke's anger.

Her wife was _not_ dead. She couldn't be.

Eventually people moved on and time with it, but not Clarke. She couldn't let go.

This was not just simply the mind set of her grief. No, Clarke felt it right down to her very bones. In her every breath that Lexa was somehow still alive. That the love of her life had not perished in that fire like the FBI had claimed. Her heart would know. Clarke was certain that her wife was out there somewhere, and she had made it her life's mission to find out the truth.

She knew, today, especially was going to be a hard day for her, and the blonde needed all the inner strength she could muster.

  
Clarke placed the beloved picture back in its usual spot, turning her attention to the large window in the room that used to be their bedroom. Now it was just a hollow space to rest her head, until her wife's return. Clarke had made sure no item belonging to Lexa was to be changed or touched. The room remained somewhat frozen in time - everything in place as it was since Lexa had left for work that fateful morning, four years ago.

Even the book Lexa had been reading still lay on the nightstand, exactly where the agent had left it. Bookmarker in place, just waiting for the brunette to pick it up and continue where she left off. Her mother had called it unhealthy so many times that Clarke had lost count, but she needed this, and no matter how many times Abby pressed for her to speak with a therapist - Clarke always refused.

Lexa would return.

  
It was early out. Light enough that the sky was still painted orange. So when her phone began beeping, she knew it could only be one person.

  
**Mom: 06:01**  
Morning sweetheart. Care for some breakfast? Xx

**Clarke: 06:01**  
This is a little early, even for you to be checking on me.

**Mom: 06:02**  
I know that today will be difficult, but I just wanted breakfast with my daughter. Xx

**Mom: 06:02**  
Besides, I left my shift two hours ago and need food. Xx

**Clarke: 06:05**  
Fine.

 

  
When Abby arrived on her daughters doorstep a mere ten minutes later, large breakfast takeout bag in hand - Clarke had little choice but to step aside. She centred herself with a deep breath before she followed behind the doctor, as they headed right for the large spacious kitchen.

"I didn't bother getting coffee," Abby spoke over her shoulder, in lieu of a greeting. Her expression hardened once she'd reached the dining table. Her brown eyes ready to burn holes into the large map that was spread out across it. Various locations with more supposed leads to Lexa's whereabouts had been circled with a Sharpie marker. "I thought we could make a fresh pot here."

"Sure," Clarke said hurrying over to fold the map away - before hours of strategic planning could be destroyed by bacon grease. "How was work?"

"Busy," Abby sighed, dumping the food down with a little more force than necessary. Striding past her daughter to collect two plates from out of the top cupboard. In the time it takes Clarke to start the coffee maker - Abby is already scooping out the scrambled eggs.

Abby always had a habit of making herself at home. She'd always been the same even when it was Clarke and Lexa's first shoebox apartment. The older Griffin would breeze in continuing whatever she had set out to do. Lexa used to smile, pull an aggravated Clarke close - place a sweet kiss to her cheek to soothe ruffled feathers. The simple act would always ground Clarke. Remind her not to be too hard on her interfering mother, because when it came down to it. She was lucky to have her. Lexa had spent half her life living in foster care with no mother to call her own, until Indra had finally given her stability and a loving family.

Clarke had learned over the years that Abby's fussing was in part due to her still trying to be needed in her very independent daughters life.

"Why people in this day and age still take their lives in their hands, drink driving is beyond me..." Abby's voice faltered, her eyes finding Clarke's, as if the mention of loss - today of all days - was suddenly going to send her spiraling into depression.

The heavy silence passes before it has chance to settle. Lost with the sound of a spoon stirring in a coffee cup.

"Come on," Abby takes a seat around the large table. "You know how quickly eggs go cold." The doctor patted the chair next to her, wanting Clarke to do the same. She hadn't even swallowed her first mouth full of hash brown, before Abby mentioned the seeming elephant in the room.

"You would have been married seven years today," Abby stated the simple fact like Clarke wasn't already well aware of the date. Like Clarke hadn't spent most of last night washing away her tears under the stream of shower water.

"Hmh, when my twenty-two year old daughter first came to me, telling me she was engaged to her high school sweetheart. I had my reservations. You and Lexa were both still so young. Despite Lexa's level head - I feared it wouldn't work out."

"Yes, and I seem to remember you voicing your opinion on the matter every chance you had." Clarke had a quick sip of her coffee to wash down the sudden bile in her throat.

"I don't say this often, but I was wrong," she placed down her fork, taking hold of Clarke's hand. "I'm thankful for the happy years you were able to have with her. That Lexa could love so fiercely in spite of the start she had in life. That you were able to find each other."

Clarke felt like her heart had stopped beating. A violent storm taking up residence in her chest, over her mother's words. How unfair the whole situation was. How fate could be so cruel - separating them when they were so happy. _No!_   This line of thinking wouldn't do her any good. She really didn't need to hear this. Not today. Not when Lexa was most likely waiting to be found.

"With that being said - later, why don't we stop by a florist? Go vist Lexa's grave, together."

The blonde could hardly believe what she was hearing. Why would she go to a place she had not visited since Lexa's so-called funeral. Her wife wasn't really there, so what was the point? She had no intention of seeing the flowers that Indra lovingly placed there every week. She wouldn't do it.

"I know how hard it is, believe me--"

"No. You don't," Clarke yanked her hand away from her mother's grasp. "This isn't the same as dad!"

"Maybe not. People handle grief differently, but you need to let yourself begin to heal, sweetheart." Abby's voice was soft, but to Clarke it sounded nothing but condescending. A tone learned from years of breaking upsetting news to patients, and besides, Clarke had heard this little speech all before and if she didn't listen then - she certainly wouldn't now.

"And I believe the first step in finally letting Lexa go, is accepting the fact that she's really gone."

"Do you even hear yourself right now?" Clarke stared at her mother in disbelief. Did she really have no filter? Why couldn't Abby trust her judgement enough to believe that her reasoning wasn't just some crazy - ridiculous notion. That the facts surrounding Lexa's _apparent_ death just didn't add up. That she and Anya would uncover the truth - given more time. "Mom, Lexa is still out there."

Abby's genteel voice turned almost cold - reprimanding like that of a parent when an unruly child wouldn't cooperate, and in a way perhaps Clarke understood from her mother's point of view, she was exactly that.

"Clarke, I've watched you obsessing over this for the past four years and it needs to stop. Lexa is gone, and I've indulged you in this charade for long enough. You can't keep clinging onto false hope like this. Putting your life on hold, because you refuse to let go. I've stood by you and I have tried to support you, but I will not let you push aside your responsibilities any longer. This ends today."

Clarke was at a loss. Her mind needed a few seconds to completely absorb her mother's words. They were nothing she hadn't heard before from her. Only this time Abby's anger had made itself known. A burning fury of fire, ablaze inside her brown eyes. A fear that if she didn't act now then she could lose her daughter forever.

Abby's next words have Clarke ready to unleash her own anger.

"What do you think Lexa would say if she were here? Do you think she would let you continue with this wild goose chase? Traveling across State trying to find answers from seedy low-lives? She wouldn't want this for you, Clarke. She wouldn't want you to keep pursuing this, and you know it."

"Are you done?" Clarke asked around a shaky sigh. Her blue eyes narrowed while she appraised her mother with contempt.

"No. You need to hear this. You need to take back your life. Take back full control of your art gallery that you've left poor Maya running single-handedly," Abby told her, tracking Clarke's movements as the blonde left her seat. "I love you Clarke, but if you continue to throw your life away... then Titus has won."

That name stopped Clarke in her tracks. Made her blood feel like it had turned to ice in her veins. Titus the notorious drug lord that the FBI spent years trying to bring to justice. A case that Lexa devoted her life to. Clarke had witnessed her wife passed out at her desk many a night. The brunette succumbing to exhaustion after going over every lead possible to help bring the man down. Spending her days, bargaining with informants from within Titus's organization. Anything that would add another winning piece to the FBI's carefully planned infiltration puzzle.

The _man_ , by all accounts was nothing but a conniving slippery snake, and Clarke wasn't ashamed to admit she took comfort in the fact his life ended that night in the warehouse fire. His body bag showcased for all the fellow officers on duty to see, as a mark of respect for Agent Woods' sacrifice.

That _man_ had not - and would never win.

"How dare you!" The blonde seethed. It was something of an unspoken rule that _his_ name was never to be mentioned around her again. Abby really was trying every trick in her book, to make Clarke see sense. It only achieved in making Clarke dig her heels in more. "My wife is still out there somewhere and I swear to you that I will find her."

"Even if what you believe is true," Abby took a deep breath. "Clarke it has been four years. If Lexa was captured, don't you think someone would have demanded a ransom by now? Wouldn't this gang have come forward or even..."

"What? Killed her already?" Clarke wiped away the tear that rolled down her cheek. "No. I would know. Lexa is still alive. I know it."

"Lexa is dead, Clarke. You need to stop fooling yourself, and finally get the help you need to deal with this loss once and for all."

Clarke had heard enough.

"I want you to leave. Just go." Clarke would not look at her mother, while the doctor collected her bag.

Abby sighed, stepping closer to her daughter. Who still refused to give her eye contact. The greying brunette placed a loving hand to Clarke's forearm. "What I have said, wasn't to hurt you, Clarke. I love you too much to watch you suffer any longer. I shouldn't have let it gone on for this long, but please call a grievance counselor."

"I don't need therapy. I need my wife!" Clarke snapped to Abby's retreating figure.

  
*

 

The buzz of a text notification pulled Clarke from her thoughts. The blonde hadn't really calmed since Abby had visted. Her mind playing over everything her mother had said. All good intentions aside - Clarke was no longer a child.

With another longing glance at the photo album spread open across her lap, Clarke retrieved her phone from the pocket of the over-sized grey college hoodie she was wearing. A hoodie that used too belong to Lexa.

  
**Anya 2:35**  
R U at home?

**Clarke 2:36**  
Yes.

She thumbed her reply.

**Anya 2:36**  
I have a new lead. Meet U there soon.

 

  
The feeling of hope once again bloomed inside of her chest at the words her sister-in-law had written.

' _One good lead, is all it takes for a case to break wide open_.' Clarke played over words her wife used to repeat when a case was tough.

Together they would find her.

"One good lead." Clarke repeated out loud, closing the book on their memories.

  
-

  
"What is it with people bringing me food today?" Clarke frowned her greeting. The scowl set firmly on the large casserole dish Anya was holding.

"Don't blame me," she shrugged stepping over the threshold. "Blame Nyko."

Anya made her way inside, placing the food into the stainless steel refrigerator. Making sure to grab two beers before closing the door with a nudge of her hip. "It's chicken casserole in case you were wondering," the ash-blonde called out joining Clarke on the sofa. Holding out the bottle of Corona for the blonde to take. Easing off the cap on her own with the opener from her key-chain.

"You're lucky I didn't bring you half of the rhubarb cheesecake, he also made," Anya continued, taking a large gulp from the sweaty bottle. "He's starting to believe you've gone off his cooking."

Clarke dug her short nails into the beer label at Anya's words. The last thing she wanted was to appear ungrateful, but she didn't need to be babied.

"You know I've always loved Nyko's cooking, but I am more than capable of taking care of myself." She still found herself snapping, reaching for the discarded set of keys on the coffee table - to open her own bottle.

"Since that little outburst wasn't really about me. I'll let it go," Anya flashed her a stern glance, before she reached into her bag. Clarke instantly spied the A4 file in Anya's hand, and tried to wash away her sudden dry throat with a large gulp of beer.

"Don't think I haven't seen your eyes glued to my bag ever since I've walked through the door." The older girl stated, handing over the latest report she'd compiled about her sister.

Clarke had never read anything so quickly in all of her life. The throbbing in her temples seem to beat in time with her racing heart, as her eyes scanned over the printed words. Today more than ever; she needed something more tangible to hold onto, and this document could be just what she needed to keep her hope alive.

"Quint?" She sighed aloud at the informants name. The former criminal was hardly reliable, and it wasn't the first time that some of his inside information had turned up nothing.

The file said a woman matching Agent Woods description had been sighted in Illinois. Reasons unknown. Informant had no direct contact with the agent, but recognized her on sight.

The details seemed sketchy at best.

"That piece of human garbage, Quint might be many things, but he tells it like it is. And if he said he saw Agent Woods in Chicago. Then he's telling the truth." Anya brought the beer bottle to her mouth for another long pull.

Clarke was well aware of the methods that Anya sometimes had to resort too, in obtaining information. It was dangerous and strictly off the FBI's books, but there options were very limited. And most of the leads gained, often resulted in dead ends. Someone had done a very good job concealing the details of what went on that night, and even Anya's fists couldn't always get results.

"What makes you sure that this won't turn out exactly like when we hightailed it to Texas?"

The blonde recalled throwing together an overnight bag, and booking the first flight out to Houston she could find. One of Titus' former cronies, Ontari had a seeming score to settle with the dead man, and was willing to spill the beans to Anya for a price. The young troubled girl figured she was owed the cash the drug lord had failed to deliver.

After a brief deliberation, they both decided that some concrete proof was needed before any money was to be exchanged. They were under no false illusions and knew it was still a gamble, trusting the word of a woman with a vendetta.

The first file Ontari revealed was Titus's handwritten notes regarding Agent Woods. His words cold, but oddly affectionate. The powerhouse figure impressed with the young agents tenacity. It made Clarke feel sick to her stomach, but the information held in the second file gave Clarke a reason to believe that Lexa was still alive.

The dossier had been put together after Titus's death. The remaining members of his gang had been trying to locate their drug lords hidden assets, with little success. Seems as if the snake had struck again leaving them with nothing. The most ruthless of the pack, continued to monitor the FBI's movements. The cockroach - a.k.a John Murphy had witnessed a plain vehicle among the chaos of the warehouse fire.

Where a gurney was discreetly and efficiently placed into the back of the vehicles double doors. The limp body being attended to by a man dressed head to toe in black. Murphy figured that son of a bitch, Titus had somehow managed to out smart the Feds once again and continued to tail the black coloured vehicle. But on closer inspection the blood soaked body was that of a woman.

That was where the information became unclear. Talks of a military hospital, but nothing Anya had read in the official FBI's report had stated anything about this so-called vehicle.

The lead that seemed most valuable was from the new word on the street. On the apparent new organization assembling in Texas. Murphy had confirmed to Ontari that the presence of Washington D.Cs finest had been seen scoping out the city, and that he was out if they were already closing in.

When Clarke and Anya had arrived to the address they had been given. The small house had already been cleared out, and no other clues remained.

Anya still maintained that Lexa was being used for leverage somehow, but Clarke remained unsure.

  
"Texas was a solid lead." The ash-blonde continued to drink from the bottle until it was empty. Her brown eyes locking onto Lexa's picture that sat on top of the fireplace.

"It was until you started asking questions around your fellow agents," came Clarke's exhaled reply, her own gaze following her sister-in-laws. "But we never seem to discuss that."

A harsh uneasy silence seem to fill the space between them. Over the years the pair have come to a mutual understanding - without Lexa there to be the buffer, without Lexa there to ease the tension between the two; they both know how their strong opinions can turn into vicious sounding words, and Clarke really doesn't want to fight with her wife's foster sister.

Not when they need to be on the same page about this, and it's not like Clarke can track these people down by herself. Nor can she waltz her way into the FBI's headquarters making demands. Clarke had learned how to keep her cool. She had too.

"I've already told you that our team is a family, and no one would dare betray Lexa or _me_ like that."

Clarke certainly didn't share Anya's staunch faith. When large amounts of money were involved people tended to cast their morals aside, and things regarding that night just weren't adding up. But now wasn't the time.

"Shall I order a pizza?" Anya asked, clearing her throat. Already scrolling through her phone, like she needed to keep her hands busy.

"Actually I wanted to make Lexa's favourite dish," Clarke sighed, rubbing her hand across her own knee before she got to her feet. "I was planning to head out to that organic food market she loved-- loves, before you texted me."

The sympathetic nod that followed from Anya, made Clarke's stomach twist into an unpleasant knot.

"You should have told me. I could have picked up the ingredients for you on my way here."

"Thanks, but it's something that I want to do myself," Clarke gave her a small smile, shrugging on her jacket. "Nyko won't be too upset that you're not home for dinner again, will he?" Clarke asked car keys already in hand.

"It's fine. Let me worry about my husband. He just wants us to focus on bringing our girl home. You know how much Nyko misses Lexa too."

"Okay."

\--

Clarke soon found herself at the bustling market; carefully weaving a pathway through the jostling people - all eager to procure the most fresh produce available.

Maybe it had been a mistake to come here, especially today. This wasn't exactly the ideal place for her outpouring of emotions, and usually she'd be able to keep a firm hold on her sorrow. Clarke certainly didn't want to cry. Not here. Not at the place where she and Lexa had been dozens of times before. Just picking up something healthy for dinner. Happy within their domestic bliss.

Now Clarke stood alone, just wanting her wife.

She needed a moment. Just a second to steady herself, as she made her way to a relatively quiet corner. Her hand softly skimmed along the organic food display, a motion she hoped would ground her to the here and now. Take her mind away from the feeling of her heart wanting to beat its way out of her chest. The rapid pounding making the air feel suddenly too thin.

Closing her eyes, she inhaled a deep lungful of air. Her senses catching a faint aroma so familiar that her eyes snapped open.

" _Lexa_?"

 

 

 


	2. Have you seen her?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's world is shaken to the core...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely comments & kudos, they really mean a lot to me. x

**It's You I Can't Replace.**

 

_"Lexa?"_

 

The words left her lips on a quiet tremble.

Was her mind playing tricks on her?

The woman before her, stood with her back to Clarke. Only a few steps away - no. It couldn't be. It couldn't be Lexa? It just couldn't be. That would be impossible, because surely her wife's return would not be that _easy_   after all this time. There must be some other explanation, but then why did Clarke's heart tell her otherwise?

She just knew.

Clarke inched closer needing to see her face. To make sure, as her eyes drank in the sight of intricate braids woven throughout long silken tresses.

The brunette was still unaware of her presence, continuing to talk with the stall holder. The scene appeared to be perfectly normal. Nothing out of the ordinary. Surely Clarke wasn't the only one that felt like time had begun to move in slow motion?

She wanted to shout out when the brunette turned, their eyes locking momentarily. Like something out of a dream. This couldn't be real.

"Lexa?" The name whispered over Clarke's lips again. She didn't know what else to say, how to feel. The rational side of her brain was clouded over by pure need. The need to have Lexa in her arms once again. To touch her face, to see her smile. Just to know that she was safe.

Then without even acknowledging her, Lexa began to walk away, leaving Clarke's heart bereft. How could she pass her by as if they were nothing more than strangers?

"LEXA!?" Clarke shouted, gaining the attention of the fellow market shoppers - turning their heads at the panic laced in her voice.

She was afraid.

Afraid of getting her hopes up. Afraid of being wrong. Afraid that she was right. Afraid of the answers she would find.

  
Her legs seem to move of their own accord, her mind zeroed in on one thing: Lexa.

Without thought, Clarke flung her arms around her wife's shoulders, pressing herself as close as she physically could. A thousand questions whirled around her mind, but those could wait. All she needed in this moment was to hold Lexa and never let her go.

"I've found you." She whispered, burying her tear stained face inside the nook of Lexa's warm neck. The familiar aroma of argan oil infused shampoo, filled every one of her senses, a scent she would know anywhere.

This was _her_ Lexa.

The moment she had been longing for, ended all too soon.

"Woah. Ma'am. I think you have me confused for someone else." The stunned brunette carefully tried to pry the blonde's firm grip from around her neck. It was clear that she didn't want to startle the obviously upset woman.

Clarke merely blinked bewildered. "Lexa?"

"Ma'am is there anyone I can call for you?" Lexa asked, with a serious tone. Her green eyes tracking every movement Clarke made, her hand softly taking hold of the blonde's arm to steady her as she began to sway on her feet.

"Lexa?" She repeated - it seemed the only word she could utter, in her disbelief. To Clarke, Lexa's voice sounded like it was under water. The words she couldn't understand.

"As you keep saying, but I think you have me mistaken for someone else."

The momentary fog that clouded her thoughts, was gone with a shuddering breath. "You don't recognize me?"

Something was clearly wrong by the way her lover's face had turned ashen. Lexa looked tense, more frightened than a startled animal caught in the headlights. "I... no. Should I?"

"Lexa...?"

Clarke did not miss the way Lexa seemed thrown off balance by the simple question. Almost disorientated.

With a nervous lick of her bottom lip, Lexa finally replied. "My name is not Lexa. My name is Alicia Clark."

"Clark?" The blonde repeated dumbfounded. "Your surname is Clark?"

"Urm, yes." Lexa's sudden frown deepened, and the taller woman takes a slight step back. Clarke can't exactly blame her. It all sounded so strange, even to her own ears, but Lexa. Her Lexa, seemed to have no memory of her. Physically her wife looked the same. Talked the same even, but the light in her brilliant green eyes was different. It was hard for Clarke to fathom, but the sparkle was gone.

Her heart ached with a deeper kind of sadness.  _Lexa has no clue who I am. Our lives together lost..._

Clarke refused to let herself dwell on that for long, because her _new_   surname can't be a coincidence. It just can't. Somewhere in Lexa's heart. She still remembered her.

She would not lose her wife again. Somehow she needed to find her composure.

 

"My name is Clarke. Clarke Griffin. Well, Woods actually." She explained with a shake of her head, wiping away the steady flow of her tears.

"Your name is Clarke?"

That was it, the sound of her name spoken from her wife's lips was something she thought she wouldn't get the chance to ever hear again. And here Lexa was, clicking the ' _k'_ and all. It suddenly became too much for Clarke to bear. She felt her knees give way seconds later, only for Lexa to move in a flash, catching her in her strong arms.

"Yes," Clarke muttered dazed. "Lexa-- I mean, Alicia. Please you have to hear me out. I know I sound crazy, but _please_. Please, Lexa--"

Lexa continued to frown, her gaze not leaving Clarke's for a second, as she held onto the woman tightly. "You keep calling me that?"

"I'm sorry, but let me explain. There is so much to tell you and standing in the middle of an organic food market isn't the way I planned I'd ever find you again--"

"Wait. You've been looking for me? For this, Lexa?"

"Yes! For four long years. They told me you were dead. That I'd never find you," Clarke implored - all her bottled up emotions spilling to the forefront. She just needed Lexa to believe her. "But I knew in my heart that you were still alive. I'd know if I had lost you. I would know."

"Hey? Is she OK?" The nearby stall holder asked, peering over his fruit display to get a good look at Lexa helping Clarke to her feet.

"Lexa, please," Clarke held on for dear life. "You need to hear me out. Please?" She begged in earnest.

"Is everything all right here?" The man approached stepping out from behind his stall. "Shall I call for assistance?" He asked, his gray coloured eyes lingered on Clarke's hand clutching firmly to the brunette's white shirt.

"No," Lexa shook her head. "I believe she's dehydrated."

"There is a coffee stand just over there," he pointed still seeming unsure if he believed her. "Get her to drink some water." The middle-aged man shook his head, not wanting to involve himself any further.

"Thank you." Lexa nodded.

 

-

 

Clarke found herself gripping tightly to the small silver industrial style table, she was seated around. Her heart was still beating wildly inside of her chest. It had been ever since she laid eyes on Lexa again. Everything seemed so surreal. Lexa was alive. She always knew it to be true, but coming face-to-face with her again was something else entirely.

Lexa seemed to have absolutely no recognition of her. She didn't even know her own name.

Everything felt so uncertain.

  
Clarke made herself take a deep breath, when she noticed Lexa approaching. The sobs that had racked through her body had left Clarke still feeling breathless. No amount of oxygen seemed like enough, as another wheezy sniffle left her lips.

She had not let Lexa out of her line of sight for a single second, when the brunette had joined the dwindling queue. Scared that she would somehow simply vanish; On her return back to the table, Lexa's movements were slow, cautious. Clarke was unsure if she was being careful not to spill any of the contents inside the two white cups she could see on the circular tray. Or if Lexa was trying to prolong speaking with her. Clarke knew this conversation wouldn't be easy for either of them. She had no idea of the trauma Lexa had suffered in their time apart.

Just what had really happened that night?

 

"I got you a coffee," Lexa gently placed down the cups. "They had sparkling water, but I wasn't sure if you drank that?"

Her words however mundane, still hurt, and Clarke couldn't pretend otherwise. Lexa knew her better than anyone else on this planet. She had done ever since they first met back in high school. Now the Lexa before her had no clue that Clarke hated sparkling water. She no longer recalled the little things, and the unintentional slight felt like a whole other level of heartache.

"Thank you, Lex... I mean Alicia," Clarke faltered, calling her by a different name felt almost wrong, but she had to tread carefully. "Coffee is fine."

Would she have to start calling her Alicia from now on?

"I just--"

"This--"

They said in unison.

"You go," Clarke told her. "I'm sure you have a lot of questions."

"I just wanted to say, that I don't normally do this, but you were so distressed before." Lexa sighed, pulling her coffee cup closer to her. Which Clarke noticed she hadn't added any sugar. _Least somethings still remained the same._   "I don't usually open up to stran--" Lexa stopped at Clarke's visible reaction to her careless statement. "To urm, people I don't... I'm sorry I don't know what I'm supposed to say here. You said you have been searching for me? For this Alexa?"

Clarke bowed her head, trying hard to muster a watery smile. "Lexa. Alexandria actually, but you've always hated anyone using your full name."

A name Clarke always thought apt, considering its meaning: Alexandria, a name of Greek origin meaning 'defending men'. A perfect name for her line of work. Something Clarke had always playfully teased the agent about, because Lexa all throughtout her life was always protecting somebody.

"People told me that I was crazy for believing that you could still be alive after all this time, but I never gave up hope that one day I would find you. I've waited for you to come home for so long."

Lexa looked like she was getting more uncomfortable by the second. Clarke had to battle the raging war inside of herself, not to reach out and comfort her.

"I don't understand," Lexa shook her head, biting down on her bottom lip. "How do you know me? Who are you?"

"Forgive me. I'm probably not explaining myself very well, but you must understand that I'm in a state of shock here," Clarke inhaled, trying to ignore the tears still leaking from the corners of her eyes. "How do I explain all the years we've spent together in a five minute exchange? How do I render our lives down like that?" She reached her hand out for a napkin, but Lexa had beaten her to it. The brush of their fingertips sent a jolt through the blonde's body.

"Thanks," Clarke wiped her eyes, reaching into her pocket for her phone. "I have a photo, if you'd like to see it?"

A single nod was her only reply, but the look of panic did not go unnoticed.

The picture Clarke had chosen - from the many she held dear was a simple shot of them, taken at some garden party an art dealer had thrown. Each looking carefree and happy. No one would have guessed that a few months later, that Lexa would be gone.

After what seemed like a lengthy silence, Lexa pursed her lips and said something Clarke was not expecting to hear. "If you have been searching for me like you claim, then where have you been all this time?" If the frown Lexa was now wearing wasn't the first indication to her change of mood, the flash of hostility in green eyes certainly was.

"Do you know how it feels to wake up alone in some godforsaken hospital bed, not having a clue where you are? Not even remembering your own name?" Lexa's low voice turned almost scathing, a tone Clarke had never heard directed at her before. The blonde felt foolish, in all the emotions she had envisaged them having upon their reunion - anger was not one of them. The fear in Clarke's own eyes, had the brunette quickly backing down.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have..." Lexa sighed, taking another look at the picture of them together, before she handed back the phone. "Look, this is hard to deal with, and as you said. It's come as a shock to the both of us. After all this time, I had given up on the foolish notion that someone from my past would find me again. The only personal effects I had left was this ring."

Clarke watched on as Lexa pulled out a delicate gold chain that was hidden under her shirt, where the ring lay. Her wedding ring.

"This is all I have of my old life."

Clarke couldn't help the gasp that escaped at the sight of the ring, her vision blurred with more unshed tears - Lexa still had their ring.

"There is an inscription inside, Ai hod..."

"Ai hod yu in." Clarke continued where Lexa began to trail off. The emotional weight on her chest only seemed to get heavier the longer she stared at the white gold band.

"What does it mean?" Lexa shook her head. "I couldn't understand what it meant."

Clarke felt the significance of Lexa's words bear down on her. "It means I love you."

"Oh? I..."

"I have the same words written in my ring too."

"Your ring?" Lexa glanced down to Clarke's left hand. "Is that a...? Are we?"

"Yes."

"We're married?" Lexa confirmed, completely astonished. "I-I thought we may have been together after what you said, but I didn't want to assume. I didn't even... I never..." She took a deep breath, looking very much like she wanted the ground to open up and swallow her.

Clarke wondered if she'd gone too far, if it was too early to reveal this information to her, but the selfish streak inside of her wanted Lexa to know. She wanted Lexa to remember what they had--have together. Lexa deserved to know, didn't she?

The sudden jarring sound of a ring tone made both occupants of the table jump. It was Lexa's phone, and the brunette wasted no time in answering the call - relieved to have a distraction.

"...I'm OK, sorry for making you worry. I'll be home soon." Lexa spoke softly into her cell phone, turning her body away from the blonde in front of her.

Blue eyes refused to turn their gaze away from her wife. Too many years had passed between them for her to play the part of a courteous acquaintance. Her mind felt too numb anyway, still stuck on the word _home_ that had just left Lexa's mouth. She had made herself a home with somebody else. Someone who wasn't her. She had a new life. A new life with people Clarke didn't know. Clarke was an outsider.

Things between them would never be the same again.

 

"...Tell Madi we'll work on her homework after dinner... Bye Cos."

_Homework?_ Clarke could feel her stomach churning, the breakfast she never finished earlier threatening to leave her body on a brutal swirling storm. This couldn't be happening. Not when she'd just got her back.

"Sorry," came Lexa's apology. "Costia. She always worries."

_Costia?_ The name sent a bolt of thunder through her heart. "Is she...?" Came the question Clarke didn't even want the answer to. Did she even have a right to ask anymore?

Lexa shook her head, pushing aside her untouched coffee cup. "Costia is just a dear friend."

Clarke fought back the sob of relief. The break down could wait until she was alone. Could wait until she had more time to process things more clearly.

"Listen, I hate to leave things like this, but I really should be going," Lexa said with a hint of regret, glancing at her watch. "I only came here to pick up some asparagus for dinner." She sighed getting to her feet, her forest green eyes sweeping over to the exit before landing on ocean blue again.

"Wait!" Clarke panicked, scraping the chair along the floor in her haste to follow her. "You're leaving?"

Lexa simply nodded.

"There is still so much left unsaid, and... we.."

"I need sometime to think."

"Then please let me give you my number," Clarke began to rummage in her forgotten handbag for her business card. Thanking the heavens above when her fingers found one lurking at the bottom. "Here."

Lexa glanced down at the crumpled looking card, with a small smile forming on her face. "You're an artist?"

"Yes."

  
"Well, I... I'll call you." Lexa said after a long pause, taking a step back. The awkwardness returning with full force.

  
Neither of them moved - seeming statues among the backdrop of all the humdrum around them. Clarke couldn't even conceive a goodbye in her mind, yet here she was watching Lexa back away. Slow even steps out of her life, and Clarke couldn't breathe. Her whole world going under the further the expanse became between them.

"Lexa!" The cry pierced the air, causing her wife to turn back around. Green eyes lost and conflicted. "I'd hoped, but I never thought I'd see you again."

"It's clear that this _Lexa_   means a lot to you," she gave a curt nod, swallowing hard. "I'll be in touch. Goodbye Clarke."

 

Clarke had no other choice than to watch her walk away.

-

 

Clarke doesn't know how she found the strength to drive herself home. Or how she forced herself to put one foot in front of the other, but she did.

She found herself back inside of her house, the ringing in her ears drowning out every other sound around her.

Had she really just let Lexa go?

 

Before she could turn around, retrace her steps and hope Lexa had done the same, Anya appeared leaning against the doorjamb.

"What took you so long?" Anya asked, scrunching up the now empty packet of fuego, Takis. "I hope you remembered to pick up some more beers because--"

The sight of Clarke's trembling form, had Anya at her side in seconds. "Clarke?"

"What have I done?"

"Clarke?" She repeated, placing both hands on her shoulders, trying to get the erratically blinking blonde to look at her. "Hey, Clarke. Look at me. Take a deep breath and everything will be fine."

Those words had Clarke snapped out of her trance in seconds. Her red rimmed eyes darken with their ferocious intent. "I let her go. I watched her go."

"Who did you let go?"

"Lexa. I let Lexa go," Clarke pulled away, quickly bringing her hand up to her mouth. "She was right there."

Clarke could feel the tight knot in her stomach finally unravel. She dashed past Anya along to the kitchen, knocking over a glass in her urgency to get over to the sink. With a loud retch, she was sick.

Anya lingered a few steps behind her, although she didn't interfere. She watched on silently while the blonde continued to cough.

"I never asked her the right questions," Clarke spat out another glob of bile, before she dipped her head under the running faucet. The dull ache in her gut settling with each mouth full of cold water she swallowed. "I froze. I let her walk away."

Anya frowned, the lines running deep along her brow. Her arms folded across her chest. "Clarke, you're really not making much sense here, and don't think for a second that I won't try to smack you upside the head. Just because you've tossed up your cookies doesn--"

"I found her."

The levity Anya was aiming for was gone in an instant, her face becoming a stone mask. "Explain yourself now."

  
So Clarke forced each and every word out of her mouth on unsteady feet, and watched as Anya started to pace. The guilt clawing away at her insides. If Clarke had been able to think more clearly, she would have done things differently. Maybe she should have called Anya. Or perhaps convinced Lexa not to go. Begged her to stay. Begged her to come with her.

Instead, she did none of those things.

  
"This doesn't make any sense," Anya ran a hand through her ash-blonde hair. "How could she not know who she is? Did she say anything about the warehouse? Did she tell you where she's been? Are you sure she wasn't undercover?"

Clarke could see the fire within Anya building behind her eyes, as each question was rattled off. "Does she know who took her?"

"I've already told you that she seemed to have no memory of her past."

Anya shook her head. "You should have made her come home. You should have--"

"No! I couldn't. I couldn't force her to do anything and you weren't there."

"I need to go to her," Anya decided, needing to see her sister with her own eyes. "Give me her new address and I'll find out the answers myself."

The realization plunged into Clarke deeper than any knife. She'd been so stunned she didn't even think to ask her. She didn't even ask for her number in return. What if Lexa never called her? What if she never gets the chance to see her again? What if she's lost her for good this time?

  
"I...I didn't.."

"Tell me you weren't stupid enough to let her go without getting her address?"

Clarke bristled at that. "Sorry if I wasn't exactly thinking rationally, Anya," she uttered with as much sarcasm as she could muster through her tears. She really didn't need Anya's self-righteous act right now on top of everything else.

"Let me get this straight? After years of endless searching, not only did _you_   just let her leave, but you never asked where she's staying? Is she even living in D.C?"

Clarke could only shake her head, under the weight of everything she'd done wrong - all what she had not said. The possible truth that Lexa could have left them behind; She had not yet mentioned Costia. Clarke wanted to keep that to herself for a little while longer.

With a broken hearted sob, the blonde sank down to the floor. Her head buried firmly in her hands.

"I know I probably did everything wrong, but tell me what was I supposed to do?" Came Clarke's muffled voice. "She didn't even recognize me. My own wife had no clue who I was. You can't even begin to tell me you know how that feels!"

Anya moved wordlessly and sat beside her on the cool kitchen tile.

"But it was really her, Anya. It was Lexa."

  
Together they sat in silence. Neither of them really knowing what to do next.

 

When her phone rang with an unknown number she knew exactly who it was.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With this chapter I wanted it to read as one big long... What The F***?   
> I wanted everything to seem unsure, and fractured somehow.
> 
> More of course will be explained soon, but I didn't want to throw it all at you in one chapter. The next coming chapters are sort of the calm before the storm, and there is a storm brewing. Once word gets round that Lexa is alive, other people from her past begin to make themselves known... Oh the drama...
> 
> And oh, goodness. Madi was like a mini Lexa, wasn't she - fighting in the arena in front of Octavia in episode 7. It reminded me a little of when Lexa defeated Roan!!


	3. Isolation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a little insight into Lexa's life...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has taken longer to post, than I'd have liked it too. Thank you for all of the lovely comments & kudos last chapter. I hope you enjoy this one too? We get to see Lexa/Alicia's life without her memories and without Clarke. I want us to learn more about where Lexa has really been, when Clarke does. Enjoy...

**It's You I Can't Replace.**

 

****

Everything on the surface appeared normal. Just like every other day.

The faint buzz of the TV sounded from the lounge, followed by Madi's girlish giggles a few seconds later. The cartoon she always watched making her laugh, most likely distracting her from her homework.

If she listened close enough, she could hear movement coming from the kitchen; a plate being placed down. A spoon hitting the side of a dish. Faint tuneful humming to accompany the array of sounds.

Her family.

Her home.

Except something felt different. Something had changed. Shifted, all because of crying blue eyes and a single name.

Her name: Lexa Woods.

 

"Alicia, that you?" The relieved voice of Costia, floated down the entrance hall of their small, but no less cozy three bedroom apartment.

"Yeah," Lexa replied, trying to keep her tone even. Softly closing the front door behind her. "I'm home." The appetizing aroma of home-cooked food hung in the air as she made her way further inside.

She contemplated heading to her bedroom, although she didn't want Costia to worry if she skipped dinner. She just needed to shut out the chaos of today for a little while longer. Before she had chance to make up her mind, Lexa heard excited footsteps hurtling towards her. "You're home!" Madi exclaimed with all the happy exuberance an eight-year old could muster. Her willowy frame came crashing into Lexa a second later, wrapping the older brunette up in a big hug. "I missed you." She squeezed tighter.

"I missed you, too."

The beaming smile Madi gave her in return, helped to keep her grounded. Helped her to focus on the new life she had made for herself.

"Guess what?" Madi bounced on the balls of her feet, seeming to have endless energy. "I got the lead in the play! I did everything you said. I read my lines out and I didn't mumble. Not once. Mrs Morrison said I get to be the shark!" Madi grabbed hold of her hand, pulling her along to the kitchen.

"That's great, Pumpkin. I knew you could do it."

"Alicia," Costia smiled wider at the sight of her, from her place at the stove. Her long brown hair falling like a waterfall down her back as she turned. "You're just in time. Sit yourself down, you must be starved."

"What about the asparagus?" Lexa waved the small bag of vegetables, before she placed them down on the only free space on the countertop.

It looked like Costia had prepared a mini feast. The girl had been so preoccupied with cooking, she hadn't even changed out of her rigid office clothes. There was no way Lexa could miss dinner now. Costia had simply gone to too much trouble, like always.

"We'll eat them tomorrow. I just whipped up a light rocket salad, to go with our Ricotta dumplings," Costia said, grating parmigiano-reggiano over the piping hot Gnocchi for her little sister. "Mads, did you wash your hands before dinner like I asked?"

"Yep," Madi replied popping the 'p', while she sat at her place around the table. Costia still adding finishing touches as she went, making sure the meal was perfect.

"Godere." Costia proudly placed down the Italian dish in front of Lexa. Her eyes brimming with pride, while Lexa took her first bite.

Not that she had much of an appetite, her stomach felt hollow for a completely different reason. She finally had a link to her past and she had walked away. She'd lacked courage when she needed it the most. Lexa had turned away from a woman she had no idea even existed, and not just any woman either. Her wife. She was married.

Truth be told, she was petrified.

Afraid of the life that had been ripped away from her. Afraid of the person she once was.

It was just too much to take; it was overwhelming.

  
"Eat up, Leesh."

Lexa flashed a small smile in return, watching Costia finally take a seat. "This all looks delicious, thank you."

"You're welcome, hon," Costia said, pouring herself a glass of water from the jug in the centre of the table. "Did Mads tell you she gets to play the shark?"

Madi giggled, looking up from her plate of food to grin at Lexa.

"She sure did," Lexa nodded, forcing herself to take another bite from the meal in front of her. "You'll be the best shark ever."

"Did you know that great white sharks can live for like 70 years?" Came Madi's excited tone, happy to share what she had learned in school today. "And if they lose a tooth, one grows right back. Cool huh?"

Blue eyes stay focused on green, waiting for a reply that never came. "Are you okay?" Madi asked astutely, studying her carefully.

"I'm fine." She lied and hated herself for it. Taking a large gulp of water to bide some time.

"Aren't you hungry?" Costia said with an anxious glance, making Lexa feel even worse. The last thing she wanted was for them to worry.

"I'm just tired." Lexa was only glad her answer wasn't another untruth.

She really did feel exhausted and the pressure in her head that always seemed to linger under the surface, felt as if it would overpower her. Lexa loathed those days, were her headaches left her feeling muddled. Made her forget the simplest things like her own address, or made her stop in the middle of a task, because she had forgotten what she should have been doing.

On those days, she would stay in bed with the blinds pulled closed. Costia always on hand if she needed her. The girl had been her saviour on more than one occasion. Lexa was only thankful the incapacitating headaches didn't occur daily. Not with all the prescriptions the doctor gave her anyway.

Trying to blink away the dull ache, she met the concerned face of her friend. "It's been a long day."

"I can make you some soup, if you'd like? It wouldn't take me long--"

"Honestly, I'm fine," Lexa got to her feet. "I just need to use the bathroom. I won't be long." She placed a tender kiss to Madi's head before she went. So the young girl wouldn't upset herself further.

  
Lexa just couldn't sit there a moment longer, not with that business card practically burning a hole in her pocket. The emotional weight behind that small piece of card, felt like an actual ton to her. Later she would sit down with Costia and tell her everything. She thought it best not to tell Madi. Not yet, when everything was just so uncertain. It wouldn't be fair.

Lexa needed to think things through first.

Although she couldn't really concentrate on much else besides those ocean blue eyes belonging to her _wife_. The emotion they held within when they looked at her. The love that shined through for _her_ \- or the former her. It was something she couldn't ignore. She wouldn't rest tonight until she had spoken to... Clarke again.

"Clarke." She whispered to herself, once she had closed the bathroom door behind her.

With her phone in hand, she dialled the number printed on the creased paper.

It hardly gave two rings before a timid, but equally relieved voice answered. "Hello?"

"Oh? Urm, hi. H-hello," Lexa stuttered with her nerves. "Is this Clarke Griffin?"

"Lex-- Alicia is that you?"

Lexa could hear the elation in her tone, followed by the sound of another muffled voice down the line.

"Yes, this is Alicia," again she heard the sound of someone else speaking frantically behind Clarke. "If this is an inconvenient time, I can--"

"NO! I mean, sorry," Clarke explained. "I have... erm An-- Urm an old family friend with me, but I am very much free to talk. Anytime."

"Okay, thank you," Lexa paused for breath, inhaling deeply. "I hope you don't mind me calling you so soon, but I was wondering if you... perhaps... if you'd like to.. of course, umm maybe grab a coffee with me? We could meet tomorrow if that's alright by you?"

She didn't mean to ramble, or trip over her own words, but what exactly do you say to your wife - whom you have no memory of?

The reply was instantaneous. "Yes! I-- Coffee sounds good."

"If tomorrow is short notice then--"

"No! Lex-- Alicia, sorry. Tomorrow is perfect. Where would you like to meet?"

Lexa found herself hesitating, her mind had gone blank. Why couldn't she remember where to go for coffee?

"Ummm? I-I... don't.."

"Hey, Alicia it's fine," came Clarke's soothing and reassuring tone. "There is a small coffee shop near the food market. Would you like to meet there, say one o'clock?"

"Yes... Well, see you tomorrow Clarke."

"Okay. See you tomorrow."

With another deep sigh, she ended the call.

  
She could do this.

  
-

Her memories - for her - at least began four years ago.

She remembered waking up in a strange hospital room. No friends, no family, no one. She was alone.

A feeling that had always remained.

Alone and isolated.

Even her own name had escaped her.

 

Since she had spoken to Clarke, her mind couldn't stop reeling with all of the unanswered questions she had, and now could give voice to.

  
"Madi is finishing her puzzle in her room."

The sound of Costia's familiar voice startled her enough to make her visibly jump from her inner thoughts.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you," the fellow brunette made her way over to Lexa, waiting for her on the sofa. "You were a million miles away. Everything okay?"

Now that they were alone, Lexa's response didn't have to be a lie. The seeming weight pressed against her shoulders could now be shared. Costia would know what to do and how to proceed. From the moment she'd entered into her life, Costia had been an anchor through her vicious emotional storms. Lexa couldn't imagine doing this without her.

"I don't know, Cos," her words once again falter. The intensity of greeny-blue eyes beside her make her pause, but at the feel of Costia's soft palm intertwined with her own, she pressed on. "Something happened today at the food hall..."

  
Lexa continued to explain everything that had transpired earlier today. Those ocean eyes that somehow felt already seared into her soul. The photo she'd seen of herself, a seeming reflection she doesn't remember. A life she doesn't remember.

How she can still hear Clarke speaking her name - like a term of endearment from her heart. Spoken like a long forgotten prayer. The tears that fell silently from Clarke's eyes, making them flutter closed. The curl of her lashes against a porcelain cheek.

"She... She said she was... is my wife," Lexa confessed, using her free hand to collect the ring around her neck. "She had a matching one, Cos."

For a long moment Costia didn't speak and Lexa could feel Costia's grip on her hand loosen slightly before she softly squeezed it once again.

"You're married?" her voice was a gentle whisper, with just the faintest hint of disbelief. "We always assumed it to be true, but wow."

"Well, you did," Lexa playfully bumped her shoulder, trying to banish the sudden crease between Costia's brow. "I never believed, because if I did have a family, then why was I abandoned? Forgotten?"

Her anger quickly dissipates before it has chance to ignite, when her friend dropped her hand in favour of embracing her. The personal assistant knew all about Lexa's abandonment issues.

"I know you don't need me to tell you that this - all of today - has been a shock to the system. Goodness, Leesh what you have been through is impossible for anyone to understand, but you've always remained so strong. I've always admired your inner strength and I know without a shadow of a doubt that you'll - we'll get through this too."

Lexa did nothing to stop the single tear that rolled down her cheek at her friend's kind words. "Thanks Cos."

"You don't need to thank me," Costia smiled, placing a kiss to the top of Lexa's head. "You know I'd do anything for you."

"Right back at you."

After another hug and a deep breath, Lexa bowed her head. "When Clarke said she knew me, or recognized me... I.. I froze. I didn't know what to do or what to say. I wanted to ask her so many questions, but it was like my mouth couldn't even form the words. And Clarke seemed almost heartbroken and I told you didn't I, that she kept calling me Lexa. I told you right?"

"Yes, hon. You told me," Costia held Lexa's hand for the second time, wanting to give her any support that she could. "Does this Clarke live here or back in Houston?"

Lexa shook her head, unsure. "I don't know. We didn't discuss that, but I presume she lives here. She said she's an artist."

Costia gasped. "Like in your dream?"  
  
It was a dream Lexa had many times over the years. A genteel left hand delicately guiding a paint brush over a large canvas, what affected Lexa the most was the serene feeling that always accompanied the dream.

She felt happy. Wanted. The feeling always faded away the longer she was awake.

"Maybe. I-I don't know."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to get ahead of myself, but I don't think it's coincidental either that you gave yourself the surname _Clark_. Not after this, Leesh. On some subconscious level your mind or your heart wanted you to remember this woman. Your wife."

Lexa really didn't know what to think. Her heart hadn't seemed to find its natural rhythm since her encounter with Clarke. All she knew for certain was she was both dreading and excited for tomorrow in equal measures.

"When I meet her tomorrow, I can--"

"You've already contacted her?" Costia butted in, the hurt evident in her voice.

"I had to. I couldn't leave things the way they were--"

When she was interrupted for a second time, it was by a small and broken voice.

"You've found your real family?" Madi asked, causing two heads to turn toward her.

Costia was up on her feet in seconds, going over to the frowning girl in the doorway. "I thought you were supposed to be fixing up your puzzle? Not eavesdropping on a private conversation young lady!"

Madi's eyes would not leave Lexa's as her chin wobbled in a battle to fight back the tears. "I was, but I got stuck and needed Alicia's help and I heard you talking. Does this mean you won't need us anymore?"

Lexa found herself at a loss; how could Madi even believe such a thing. She needed her and Costia now more than ever. She stared into glassy crystal blue eyes needing a moment for her confused brain to understand what was being asked of her. Although her reaction was far too slow for the immediate reassurance that was needed.

Madi took her silence as confirmation of her fears, and Lexa could only watch on as Madi quickly ran from the room.

"I'll go." Lexa followed after her, finding Madi hidden under her bed covers.

She hadn't even stepped fully into the room, when she heard a muffled plea. "Please don't go!"

"Madi?" Lexa asked tentatively, perching herself on the edge of the bed. "Are you going to let me see your face?"

After a moment and a little sniffle, Lexa smiled warmly when Madi poked her head out of her blanket burrito. "If you stay, I'll tidy my room more, I promise! I'll even help to stack the dishwasher! Please, please don't go!"

"Madi, I'm not going anywhere." Lexa told her resolutely, pulling back more of the covers.

"But you have a family again now, your real family," the girl sounded so crestfallen, it made Lexa's heart ache. "You might not need us anymore."

Lexa shook her head, placing a stray hair behind the young girl's ear. Little Madi had already watched her mother walk out of her life and she refused to do the same.

"Madi, you and Costia are my _real_ family too. I would never leave you behind. We come as a package deal."

Lexa does not break their eye contact, while Madi studied her face carefully. She knew how many promises had been made and broken in the girl's past. She breathed a sigh of relief, when Madi threw herself into her arms.

"You mean it?" She whispered against Lexa's shoulder.

"I promise."

-

The rest of her evening had thankfully remained uneventful, but that didn't stop Lexa from pacing around her bedroom at four a.m. The brunette just couldn't rest. She'd contemplated taking her sleeping pills, but decided against it. She wanted her mind as clear as she possibly could for tomorrow.

When a gentle tap came upon her bedroom door, she'd never felt so relieved to see Costia on the other side of it.

"You okay?" Costia's sleepy expression greeted her. Her sock covered feet shuffle heavily into the room and Lexa feels guilty for disturbing her sleep. She's only glad that she hasn't woken Madi, because she'd have joined them too.

"I didn't mean to wake you," Lexa sighed, keeping her voice low. "I just couldn't sleep."

With a smile and a covered yawn. Costia glanced down at the open notebook on her bed. "May I?" She asked, already aware of Lexa's habit of writing things down, so she wouldn't forget.

Lexa could only nod.

Question after question filled the pages.

_Do I have parents?_

_What are their names?_

_Where did I go to school?_

_Do I have any siblings?_

_Where did we meet?_

_~~Why was I in a coma?~~_

_~~Where have you been all this time?~~ _

_How long have we been married?_

  
"Oh Leesh," Costia sighed, pulling her closer for a hug. "I really hope Clarke holds the answers you're seeking. I really do, but getting yourself stressed won't achieve anything. I bet Clarke will be feeling nervous too, you know and I'm guessing she wouldn't want you to worry."

It was times such as these, that Lexa realised how much she cared and needed her best friend.

"How come you always know what to say to keep my head clear?"

"Call it a gift," Costia smiled warmly, closing up the notebook. "How about I make us some of that fancy relaxing tea, huh?"

Lexa smiled, looping her arm through her friend's. "The peppermint one?"

"Yep, and then maybe I could style your hair extra pretty," Costia said, as they walked along to the kitchen. "I know you're not meeting Clarke until one, but it'll be one less thing to stress about. And I'll even drop Madi off at school."

"What about Nia?"

"She'll just have to wait a little longer for her cup of coffee."

 

With another deep breath, Lexa sat around the small dining table. She could do this.

She could meet Clarke.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italian.  
> Godere - Enjoy. (To enjoy).


	4. I will take the strain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa begin to navigate their way back to each other. 
> 
> Slow and steady. . .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wouldn't say I'm disappointed with this chapter. I like it, but because it had been so long since I had written anything for this fic, I was a little out of sorts with it. The chapter didn't seem to flow like the others had. I felt like I was writing in staccato blocks and I've become a little disheartened with it. I guess I just need to concentrate on the emotions and drama of it all, because I have many plans for this story. A lot of highs and lows - suspense and surprises. 
> 
> Anyway. . . Hope you enjoy this slightly shorter chapter. 
> 
> Next chapter: Clarke and Lexa finally get to really talk. <3 <3 <3

**It's You I Can't Replace**

 

****

Clarke had difficulty falling to sleep that night. Her mind refused to let her settle. She couldn't stop herself going over everything that had transpired. Every little detail replayed over and over again in her mind. Lexa had really returned and for the most part - still in one piece. The artist wasn't the kind of person who turned to religion in moments of crisis; her mind to practical for such beliefs, although that did not stop Clarke from wanting to fall to her knees, needing to thank whatever deity out there, that had helped bring Lexa back.

Her gratitude knew no bounds and she would be forever grateful that fate had stepped in making sure their paths crossed once again. She was under no false illusions and knew nothing between them was set in stone and their lives - dare she even say it - relationship would never be what it once was, but Clarke wasn't the kind of person to give up and the fact that Lexa called her only a few hours after their unintentional _reunion_. It had to mean something didn't it? It just had to and maybe being around her family again would trigger a long forgotten memory.

Clarke could only hope.

Anya on the other hand, hadn't been afraid to tell her that her head was in the clouds. Anya wanted decisive action, wanted to find out where her sister was staying and bring her back home - where she belonged, whether Lexa liked it or not. Clarke could understand her urgency, but Anya hadn't seen her. Lexa had clearly gone through something traumatic and her memories appeared to be gone. If they didn't handle this situation in the right way, then they risked losing Lexa all over again.

Clarke knew being patient was the way forward and had spent the best part of two hours trying to convince a stubborn Anya of the fact. That had been the easy part of their heated debate - when Clarke went on to tell her that she didn't want the authorities to know about Lexa's return, Anya had hit the roof. Calling her everything from crazy to unreasonable.

The simple fact of the matter was, Clarke really didn't know who to trust and until she did; this _would_ remain a secret. Someone, somewhere must have known the truth about Lexa's true whereabouts and she refused to risk her wife's safety when it had taken them this long to find her.

Anya had reluctantly agreed.

Eventually the blonde had given up on the idea of sleep, she found herself on Google researching every article she came across regarding memory loss and the hippocampus. Each result varied, but the overall conclusion seem to be the same. Once the brain had sustained any type of major damage, then it was usually irreversible. Regaining memories was down to the individual and some people never fully recover. While others had experienced flashbacks while trying to retrace back over their lives.

Lexa thought she'd been abandoned and with no one around from her past to trigger a memory or even a place, then her recovery never really had a chance to start. Clarke had to believe that there was still hope and with time Lexa would start to remember her _old_ life. With hope in mind and the need to do something more productive; Clarke spent the rest of her morning seated around her dining table looking through the many photo albums they had acquired over the years. She had already selected the one she planned to take with her for their coffee date. It was full of family photographs that already seemed like a lifetime ago. Full of happy and more easy-going times, she hoped Lexa wanted to see.

Now nearing midday and Clarke found herself watching the clock - that seemed to be moving in slow motion. Her late breakfast of burnt toast had tasted disgusting and the four cups of coffee weren't helping much either. Her body needed something more substantial, but her stomach already felt full of nervous energy. So when her phone beeped with a new message it was a welcomed distraction.

 

**Lexa/Alicia: 11:53 am**  
Good morning, Clarke. I just wanted to confirm that you're still available to meet me? Alicia.

 

**Clarke: 11:53 am**  
Morning. Yes, Iam. I'm looking forward to it. Clarke.

 

Her thumb hovered over the keypad, while she debated if she should put a kiss, but decided against it - not wanting to come on too strong.

She needed to remember to take things slow. Go at the pace Lexa wanted to set, beacuse this process couldn't be rushed.

 

**Lexa/Alicia: 11:54 am**  
Me too. I feel a little nervous though.

**Clarke: 11:54 am**  
That's understandable & if I'm being honest... so am I :)

**Lexa/Alicia: 11:55 am**  
Thank you. That makes me feel a little easier.

**Lexa/Alicia: 11:55 am**  
Well, see you soon. :)

**Clarke: 11:56 am**  
See U soon. :)

 

  
_One step at a time._

 

-

 

Clarke arrived at the Dropship coffee shop fifteen minutes before the arranged time and was already regretting the hour she'd picked for them to meet. The small place was already filled with lunchtime customers and she could hardly hear herself think over the constant hum of chatter. It only served to make her feel more anxious - so much so that she couldn't keep her knee from bouncing under the table. She was pretty sure if she actually chewed her nails that she'd have none left at this point. Her nerves just wouldn't settle and her eyes kept glancing over to the door while she waited.

When the familiar figure of her wife walked in, Clarke couldn't help the small gasp that escaped. It all still felt unreal and the tears she couldn't fight rolled down her cheeks. It didn't take long for their eyes to connect, almost instinctively as Lexa made her way over. "Hello Clarke," she greeted, nervously smoothing down her immaculate button-down.

"Le-- Alicia," Clarke stopped herself after the first syllable, not being able to call her Lexa was going to be a hard habit to break. "Hi." She tried to discreetly wipe away her tears, but Lexa's green eyes followed her movements.

"Are you all right?" She crouched down at Clarke's side, softly taking a hold of her hand. "Or was that a really stupid thing to ask?"

The simple touch ignites every cell in the artist body. "No," she shook her head, sniffling away the last of her tears. "Sorry. I promised myself that I would try to keep my emotions in check. I guess I got overwhelmed . . _again_."

Lexa nodded, with a hesitant smile. "That's understandable. This.. _our_   situation isn't exactly what you'd call conventional. And finding a piece of my past. . finding _you_ ," she corrected. "Was so unexpected. I'd given up all hope of ever learning the truth about what happened to me. I have so many questions I would like to ask you, and honestly. I don't know where to begin." She licked her lips nervously, letting go of Clarke's hand. "There's so much to understand, but what I keep coming back to is that you've been searching for me. That someone cared enough to try and find me. That I wasn't abandoned. You tried to find me. You did try to find me, didn't you?"

The look of self-doubt on her wife's face, made Clarke yearn to take her into her arms. It takes every ounce of her strength to remain seated. "I never stopped trying to find you," she continued under Lexa's skeptical appraisal. "Despite what _they_ told me. I knew you were out there somewhere, but every lead we tried to follow went cold. Like someone was always one step ahead of us--"

"We?"

The sound of a lunch tray crashing to the floor startled the couple. The former agent's green eyes sweep over to the large line of people waiting by the register. Clarke could tell immediately that she'd gone tense and uncomfortable. With a slide of her hand; like second nature, Clarke intertwined their fingers again, directing Lexa's attention back to her. "I didn't think this place was going to be so busy." Clarke told her over the commotion of the rowdy workers. "We can go somewhere else if you'd like? If the noise is too much?"

"I find myself avoiding crowds these days," Lexa uttered, subdued. Her eyes locked onto their joined hands. "Maybe I always did, I don't know."

"Hey," Clarke gently replied. "It's okay. My art gallery isn't that far actually. It's quiet and we can talk uninterrupted there. Or we could go somewhere else. Whatever you want."

This made her pause. "Do you have any of your work there?"

"I do, if you'd like to see it?" Clarke watched her with rapt attention, while Lexa made up her mind. Her plump lip finding its way between her white teeth.

"I would like that very much, Clarke."

  
Clarke hadn't been at her gallery for going on three months now. She left the day-to-day business in Maya's capable hands. The only time she herself stepped through the doors; were to drop off any new paintings or if a client insisted that they only speak to Clarke. Being back always felt a little bittersweet and stepping through the entrance with Lexa beside her felt almost other-worldly.

"It's closed today?" Lexa asked, as Clarke pocketed her keys.

"Yeah, it's my assistants day off," she told her, as the brunette began to move through the vast open space with wonderment. "So no one will disturb us."

"Wow," Lexa exclaimed, with Clarke's gaze fixed upon her. Hoping to see a flicker of recognition. "This place is breathtaking." Lexa continued to take in the surrounding walls of colour. "Did you paint this?" Lexa asked awestruck, making her way over to the large canvas that hung on the white painted brickwork.

"I did."

"It's beautiful," Lexa stepped closer to the art in front of her. Seemingly transfixed on the swirls of colours before her. "I can almost feel the emotion leaping from the painting. It speaks of pain." Lexa's hand followed along with the spiral of deep red as the colour blended heavily together with a mix of black and amber.

"You're right," Clarke deeply sighed. "I... I painted it five days after you... after they told me you were gone." Clarke moved beside her. "I poured every ounce of feeling I had into this piece. I dug the paintbrush so hard into the fabric that I'm surprised it didn't rip. I've had a lot of offers to buy this, but I could never part with it. It means too much... This here is a part of me. That being said, I couldn't bear to look at it everyday knowing what I had lost, so I keep it here--" Clarke spared a fleeting glance to the artwork, until the sound of her wife's broken voice renders her speechless.

"Clarke?"

She had never heard Lexa sound so lost. So helpless and unsure. So fragile. It devastated her.

"Who am I?"

Clarke froze at her words. The question leaving her completely stunned. "Lexa. . ."

"Am I?" Lexa frowned, taking a step back from the painting. Her voice shaky with unshed tears. "Am I Lexa? Because I really wouldn't know. I have no clue who I am. I don't even know who my parents are, where I was born? Do you have any idea what that feels like?"

She didn't. How could she, how could anybody understand that level of pain? All she could do was turn and face her, watch the utter heartbreak play out before her. Stand there uselessly as Lexa battled her inner turmoil alone.

"Every time I look in the mirror, all I see is a stranger. I don't even know if I'm a good person," Lexa shook her head. Each word quickly following the last. "You look at me, as if I am, but how can I be sure? How can I know for certain?"

"Lexa--" Clarke begged, stepping closer. Wanting to put an end to her confusion and doubt.

"How could a good person end up waking up alone after being seriously injured. How? What happened to me? Who did this to me?" She rambled, clenching her fists that were hanging by her side. "The doctors had no answers for me either. They just told me that I was lucky to be alive. I don't even know how I survived. . My head had been cracked open and I had a bullet hole in my abdomen and I couldn't make sense of it. Nobody seemed to know a thing. Nobody could tell me anything. Nobody--"

"Lexa! Lexa, stop," Clarke urged past the lump in her throat, the tears she could no longer hold back falling freely. "Lexa, listen to me!" She reached forward cupping both of her hands against Lexa's own tear-stained cheeks. "You are the most honorable person I know. Always taking care of others needs before your own. Always taking care of me."

Lexa sobbed harder at this. Her whole body sagging forward against Clarke's with relief.

"I know there is so much to explain. So much to tell you, but know this; **you** are a good person! The only person i've ever loved. The only one i'll ever love and I don't mean to put pressure on you. I don't, but it's the truth and you need to know. Someone did this to us. They tore our lives apart and when we find them, they'll be sorry."

That was a promise, Clarke intended to keep.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really hoping this season we get to see Clarke talking to Madi about Lexa. Was I the only one hoping we would get to see a picture of Lexa - in the story book, Clarke made for Madi? 
> 
> Also, did anyone else think (hope) Madi was Lexa's kid sister? 
> 
> Anyway... I hope you liked this chapter? More tags to be added. Thank you!!


End file.
